Dating Tips
When I was heading off to college, I had no gameplan on anything related to having a boyfriend, so I empathize with the young women out there who also might feel a bit hesitant due to lack of guidance. If you've read the book, then I hope that you also feel encouraged and optimistic about this time in your life. So I don't want to leave you hanging when it comes to finding the right guy for you, assuming you have identified that you lean towards heterosexual relationships.
This content is also inspired from the observation that societal norms around dating haven't taken the Technique into account. I have found that the Technique is a very bonding experience, more bonding than what simple affection can offer. If you know that you can expect to feel extra bonded to your partner, then being deliberate about who you end up feeling bonded to can enhance your experience. I present to you the advice I would give my younger self if I had that opportunity.
Friends and Lovers ♀
To have a relationship where you're both friends and lovers means that you need to accomplish friends first. Acknowledge that there is a progression of events for becoming friends. To go from acquaintance to friend requires a certain amount of time. If you set the expectation with any man that you might be interested with that you will only accept a friends and lovers relationship, then you can actually say to him something to the effect of "we must be able to spend X number of hours together as friends before I will consider you for becoming a lover". If stating this standard for yourself causes him to walk away, you've done yourself a favor because it means you are not looking for the same thing. If he agrees but you find that at half the increment of X hours he is pressuring you, then it means that he is putting his needs before your needs, this is a sign of immaturity and he is not ready for the level of relationship that you are. And then there is the idea that if either person looses interest in the other and you can't make it as friends, then it's better that you don't form a physical relationship. See this as part of the process, not something to take as rejection. This also means you'll need a spreadsheet or something to keep track of who you are spending time with to hold yourself to your own standards.
The friends first and lovers second approach is not as romantic as dressing up for a first date and having all the flirtatious advances and I get that. But it helps you protect your interest in having a deeper connection in the long run.
Be a Collector of Men's Backgrounds ♀
Be a collector of men's backgrounds. This advice applies most to college ladies looking for their first more serious relationship. When you go to the university, you have an almost overwhelming number of men to consider. To help you navigate and get the most out of this situation, I suggest that you try to understand any new man that you meet by spending enough time to understand his background. All people are a product of their development. To explore people by their backgrounds accomplishes understanding how they developed and therefore helps you form judgment on what to expect from that individual. It also helps you understand the difference between men at a deeper level.
In the process of exploring people, you can contemplate whether the man you're investigating is inspired to the qualities you are looking for. How is he inspired to be dependable? How is he inspired to be kind? Has he exhibited these qualities towards other people in his past, such as friends and family members?
Many people, in general, are potentially going to find your interest in how their life has enfolded as flattering because you are taking the time to listen to them. And if you shape your questions as a venture to find something to admire in the other individual, then you are also helping them see something in themselves that is positive. People appreciate when you do extend your admiration for them, but this will only happen if you take the time to listen to them.
If it feels a bit uncomfortable to take on this miniature homework assignment on the men you meet, then remind yourself that personal growth and feelings of mild discomfort are often associated. But growing is what you should be doing at this stage of your life. Push yourself a little bit at a time to expand yourself but also be gentle with yourself. We all go through this phase of life. Knowing people and navigating through conversation are great skills, so your time is never wasted in this area.
Indeed, if your long term partner knows that his background is part of the reason why you chose him, then it's like saying that his uniqueness is what binds you. Backgrounds are not a thing you can switch out from one person to the next. You have communicated that superficial attributes won't easily interfere with the bond that you share. It will keep him feeling secure in your relationship if he knows his development is a significant reason for your union.
Value Maturity ♀
An infant is, by definition, immature and has only the awareness of its own needs and lacks awareness of the needs of others. A mature adult has progressed to understanding the needs of others and can take into account other perspectives and needs beyond themself. An immature adult is a person who physically grew but never extended their awareness to consider the needs of others. There isn't a substitute for whether a person has chosen to extend themselves or not. The best partnerships are between two mature adults. Not everyone who is older has matured.
Be in Love with Your Life ♀
Make the decision to be in love with your own life. If you believe that thoughts have a vibrational nature to them, and you believe that like attracts like, then curating a feeling of unconditional love for yourself and for your life might be the single greatest thing you can do to bring love into your life. Have items that remind you of your decision to be in love with your life to help you stay in that mindset. There is no one but you who can offer you self-love.
When I look back into when the most successful and healthy relationships started in my own life, I also see that the event of meeting a good partner was coincident to times in my life where I felt fortunate for opportunities that had opened up in my life. This causes me to have faith that feelings of love will bring love into your life. Because that is how things worked out for me.
Along this thought is the question of whether you believe in your own worthiness and how much self-worth you feel for yourself. Base your worthiness on your original decision and desire to be on this planet. Whatever divine force you believe in also wanted you to be on this planet, otherwise you wouldn't be here, thus your very existence is predicated on an agreement that is already recognized and in progress. Then, in every breath and in every heart beat and in every moment of life, you are fulfilling your end of the this agreement. Worthiness, then, happens even when you are "doing nothing". From this perspective, you are never anything other than worthy. If your feelings of worthiness are based on these ideas, then you will never need to question your own worthiness again.
How about this line... ♀
You know how sometimes a guy you have just met seems a little flirtatious but you're not sure since you just met each other—maybe he is just being nice for the sake of being nice. Too soon to say. If that person is actually interested in you, you don't want that opportunity to pass you by because it means that while they are interested, they also recognize boundaries and they are showing you a form of respect. These are the nice guys. You don't want nice guys to just walk away, but yet, you're unsure of the nature of his interest. In this case, how about this line... "Would you like to get to know me better?" stated in a genuine and light suggestion manner. Followed by a proposal to go out someplace for coffee or ice cream.
If the guy is just being nice and that is all there is to it, then he will appreciate that you responded nicely too and politely decline. If he is only interested in you intellectually, then he will want to talk more and in the process of further discussion, his initial intent will become evident eventually. If he is interested in a more serious relationship with you potentially someday, then you have capitalized on an opportunity to further investigate an individual who has the ability to respect boundaries. He might have more potential for establishing a healthy relationship with. So there's no real downside here.